The guilt of being a SAHM

Mr T send me a link to a piece on Babble a few days ago about being a SAHM, I found it very interesting and related to all of it. It was almost like I'd written the post myself.

I always found an immense pressure to prove to society and Mr T that I actually did stuff during the day and I wasn't just lying around in my PJ's watching JK (I hate that programme, but i do have a sister who I could imagine being on it)

Move over the working mums guilt, A SHAM's guilt is just as bad if not worse (that's my opinion). Yet no one seems to talk about it. I have felt this immense guilt for years, Constantly feeling that I wasn't contributing to society. Which I think in some part added to my depression, Here was my husband, (brain tumor and all) working his ass off to provide for us. I felt being at home just didn't compare. I hated when people asked me “so what do you do” Its got to the point where i tell people I'm a SAHM and a writer which is technically true I am 2 chapters into my novel.

A few of excerpts that I really related to in the post, you can read the full post here

I’ve felt the absurd need to pack a million and ten activities into my day so I could list them off to my husband when he came home in an attempt to convince (who really? Mostly myself …) that I was “productive.”

I’ve always been fighting the thoughts that I’m not doing enough or being enough. I’ve always felt I honestly owed the world some sort of explanation for being at home.

I’ve felt I had to bake pies so that the world would know I’m not a worthless member of society. I've felt the absurd need to pack a million and ten activities into my day so I could list them off to my husband when he came home in an attempt to convince (who really? Mostly myself …) that I was “productive.”

I’ve always been fighting the thoughts that I’m not doing enough or being enough. I’ve always felt I honestly owed the world some sort of explanation for being at home.

 

I often wondered if there was anyone out there that felt like me and It seems there are lots.

I am grateful to have a life where I am able to stay home and look after Sophie to be there for all her firsts, walking and now homework's.

 

Lisa x

 

 

 

Brains and Mother in Laws

Well hello!

So the last few months, basically since March haven’t been the happiest time for my family, which will explain my absence from all things blog related.

It was 6th March when our lives changed in a second, My wonderful husband had a brain tumor. We knew that there was a growth there but, no one up to that point had mentioned the word tumor. Nobody knew really what it was, previous doctors had said it looked like a birthmark others saying it may have been there from birth. The neurologist had us convinced that it hadn’t changed, So when the neurosurgeon said it had and called it a tumor I think we both felt sick.

The waiting for a surgery date was the worst, My anxiety was at an all time high, I was consumed with all things tumor related, all I could think about was.. He is going to have another seizure? Is the tumor turning into a bad one and he’s going to drop down dead any minute? If something bad does happen how will me and Soph cope financially? (that last one made me feel selfish) I did nothing but cry for the week after the hospital visit, some in front of Mr T some in private.  I knew I had to be strong for him and we both had to stay positive. It was hard every-time I looked at him all I thought about was the tumor, people wanted to talk about it which was OK for the first week but I suppose after that I didn’t want to talk about it as much if that makes sense, I already thought about it enough that when I met friends or family I wanted to talk about something else, again probably a bit selfish of me.

We found out after more in-depth MRI’s that the tumor was in the area that dealt with speech and language, so Mr T had a speech therapist present throughout the operation.

After what felt like a year of waiting (it was only 4 months) the 22nd June came around.  I could tell Mr T was a nervous wreck, so was I, we both waited patiently at home for a bed to become available on the ward, we got the call at 4pm and told to be in that evening. Meanwhile my mother in-law had arrived to help out with Soph as we wanted her to go to school as normal for the week.  I came back to see him on the ward before he went down to the theater I don’t think either of us knew what to say, he was a bag of nerves, I would be too it I had to have brain surgery and he had to do it while awake.

Monday 23rd of June was the longest most horrible day of my entire life, minutes felt like hours, I held up pretty well until he wasn’t back on the ward when we thought he would be, I then began to fall apart thinking all sorts when they said he was still in surgery, did something go wrong? had he had a stoke of even worse?  the nurses had to get me a chair, something about the love of your life being in surgery does make one feel a bit faint. My mother in law drove us to my mum’s which was close enough to the hospital if we needed to rush back. At 3.40pm I got the best call of my life, Mr T was out of surgery and it had all gone well.

I spent most of the week with him at hospital and I really couldn’t have done it with out the help my Mother in Law Grainne, I know people complain about their MIL but mine is brilliant!  By Friday evening he was ready to come home which I have to say concerned me a little with the little seizures he was having.  A week later we got the pathology results and its as good as it could have been, it was what they thought a low-grade Giloma, they got 80 to 90% of it out (when they went into the bit that was left he stopped talking) so they will be keeping an eye on it.

I am glad to say everything is going well and Mr T is back home with me and Soph apart from a really bad case of man flu at the minute.

 

Now I’m off to write a bit of my novel before dinner.

 

Lisa x

 

 

 

Writer Moi? (Maven Sessions)

I started writing this ages ago and only getting around to finishing it now oops….

I had always felt that there was a book in me, but my  self-confidence always stood in my way. I was too nervous to go to any creative writing class even though It was something I really wanted to do.

There is this amazing Interiors shop  on the Lisburn road in Belfast called Maven, The first time I had visited it I picked up some goodies that I had won from a Facebook Competition. I fell in love and wanted to buy everything in the shop. This is going somewhere I promise :-)

 

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The candle smells amazing and I will be back to purchase more, If I had the money I would pay Patrica to furnish my whole house. On my love list is a light from Donna Bates Design, a Marimekko teapot, The School of Life Emotional baggage Tote, abigail*ryan wallpaper and some Abigail Warner stationary.

I digress but you should go check out Maven for a world of loveliness.

Anyway they have an upstairs bit which they use for “Maven Sessions” one night while messing around on Facebook a link from their page caught my eye, “calling all flashers” sounded interesting  so I couldn’t,  not click the link. there it was staring me in the face a” flash fiction” event I got a little excited and realized there was only 2 tickets left so I rushed to Eventbrite and quickly booked my ticket. Then the nervousness, fear etc set in. “what if they expect me to write” “what if they expect me to read out my stuff in front of people” ” what if i get writers block and i cant actually write anything” etc etc

I arrived on the Monday evening and I sat outside in the car thinking “what am I doing, I cant do this, run away, go home. (self-esteem again!)

I forced myself to go inside, still thinking I was way out of my depth. I sat down with my little notebook and pen….

 

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After the dreaded ” say something about yourself and why you are here”  was over I felt more comfortable. For months I have sat staring at my WordPress editor with nothing to say.  Going to this class has brought out my creativity and proved that I could actually write a book. So that’s what I am currently up to at the minute, writing my first novel.  I have to say its been fun so far.

 

 

Lisa x

Messing with my mind

Hello, Its me! the one who owns this blog and who never seems to blog any-more. I’ll still here just been procrastinating (I’m only on here to get away from the mound of housework and to check that my blog isn’t  in fact a figment of my imagination its been so long)

I’m sitting here as I do every Friday morning eating my toast and having a coffee, nervously waiting on my therapy session to start.

I’ve only been going to Mrs T for a few weeks and I realise I may have more problems than I originally thought or may I should put it…. my problems are deeper than I thought. Makes me should less of a mental case :-) she picks up on things about me that I don’t realise I do, I would go as far as to say that she knows me better than I know myself.

Last week when I visited her she asked the usual “how are you today” so I proceed to tell her about my really bad anxiety/panic attack due to what she has told me is generalised anxiety/panic disorder. Anyway she seemed almost excited when I was telling her about it. She’d just been to a training course and wanted to try out what she learned on me (guinea pig comes to mind here) She didn’t fully explain what exactly it entailed just that it would help to get my nervous system balanced and therefore lower the serverity of attacks when they happen.  At this stage I am quite excited myself, anything that makes my attacks better i am willing to try.

We begin…. I am asked to look straight ahead to see if anything in my peripheral view stands out I spy a picture on the wall its the only thing that my eyes are attracted to. So we begin talking about it and how it makes me feel and within 10 minutes I feel like my bum and back where super-glued to the chair and everything in the room was a complete blur. The weirdest bit has to be when my body started moving my itself to the right you can picture me half of my body hanging over the side on the sofa lol. No actually scrap that… The weirdness thing of all is when the room came back into focus and I could only see 3/4 of the room there was a block on my right side!?! And then she kicked me out as our time was up! (A usual occurrence when we are just getting somewhere) anyway I left feeling not entirely in this planet but feeling like I didn’t have a care in the world, a fantastic feeling which lasted all day but…….

I went to bed as usual and had the most horrendous nightmares, they were terrifying and upsetting enough to wake me twice. In all my 32 years on the planet I have never had bad dreams like it.

Apparently this was something to do with Mrs T’s messing with my mind and brining things that are buried to the surface. I think I’d like them to stay buried and I don’t think I’ll let her do it to me again.

 

Lisa x

The madness of it all…..

This year I wasn't going to bother asking anyone to nominate me for the mads for a few reasons.

1. I haven't exactly been writing a lot ok virtually nothing the last few months

2. I really hate asking people to nominate me for things

3. I really don't feel I deserve/am good enough to be nominated for anything (that'll be the self worth/self esstem issues)

So imagine my surprise when I get a tweet from the mad awards telling me I've been nominated in several categories. So I want to say thank you to anyone who took the time to vote for for me.

 

Lisa x

 

Ps if you have the time and want to vote there's a button on the sidebar.

Jumper to Skirt Re-fashion

collage

 

The joys of working in a charity shop. I found this men's jumper for 99p and decided to re-fashion it into a winter skirt. Let's face it we need something warm and cosy for all this terrible weather.

jumper1

 

I chopped the neck and arms and I was left with this.

jumper2

 

I folded it over enough to cover the elastic that was to go in.

jumper3

 

Then I sewed it (I had lots of trouble with my sewing machine it's obviously still huffing that it's been under the stairs gathering dust for ages)

jumper4

 

The voila a cosy jumper skirt and it goes well with my lovely new hush puppies boots. A really easy first go if you are attempting re-fashioning for the first time like me.

 

Next I am attempted a dress, will post if it all goes well.

 

 

 

Lisa x

 

Edgy Valentine

edgy valentine

Alice Olivia black sleeveless top
£105 – thecorner.com

ALDO chain handbag
£24 – aldoshoes.com

Dogeared pink gold jewelry
£37 – dogeared.com

Too faced cosmetic
£18 – beauty.com

Well hello there!

 

You may have come here expecting thirty mummy, before you leave you haven’t mistyped  the address… you ARE in the right place. I’ve just had a makeover and a new name. When I started thirty mummy in 2012 that’s what I was, a just turned thirty year old mum with a 2-year-old, I wanted somewhere I could connect with other people in the same boat as me and it was also an escape from what was already 3 years at home.  2 years on it is so much more than a mummy/parenting blog, before any mummy bloggers have a go there is nothing wrong with being a mummy blogger I just see myself as more of a lifestyle blogger these days, I will still be writing about my life ( I will update you on the last few months below) but I also want to write about everything I love, I felt that the name thirty mummy was holding me back from doing just that.

As I had basically disappeared from sight for a couple of months ( you missed me right :-)  I thought that this was a good time for a change. The new name I think sums me up both mentally and physically “A pretty little mess” .

You probably know that I have been suffering with depression for months now BUT  I am slowly starting to feel  normal myself again and excited to be getting back to writing, I have missed it so much. During the “horrible months” I just didn’t feel like writing or do anything really, I would have gladly sat in a room by myself.  But like I say I feeling much more myself the happy pills are working, I’ve got a counsellor to help me with my low self-esteem and self-worth and biggest news of all I’ve got a job working in a charity shop two days a week, and after only being there 2 weeks I have an interview for the assistant managers position. For those of you who know me know I love charity shops, I wasn’t even looking for a job, but for some reason as I was doing the rounds of my local ones the sign in the window caught my eye. 3 days later I started work.   We get in some lovely stuff especially designer items (we also weird stuff like Jesus pencil toppers) .  My biggest bargain so far is the almost new Kurt Geiger shoes for £5. Mr T thinks I should quit before we go bankrupt, on the first day I had my own rail going on out the back

I have also started doing some Illustrations which I may share with you at a later date, but for now I am going to lie down as this is the most I have written in a long time :-) I hope you will all continue to support my little blog as you have been doing over the last 2 years. It means a lot to me that you all come and read my drivel.

 

Lisa xx